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Wow…I am already pissed off, and I have barely begun to write about this heaping pile of horseshit that attempts to pass itself off as a legitimate contender in sports video game history. I mean, just look at the box-art: John Elway’s big, fat fucking face, with his Austin Powers teeth…posed so ridiculously with the NES controller as if beckoning, “See, I play the Nintendo.”

And…I like John Elway.

Where do I start with the numerous issues that turn the John Elway’s Quarterback gaming experience into a boring, poorly designed excuse for a competitor to Tecmo Bowl?

Well I will take the easy route and just give you a list:

1. It doesn’t have an NFL license. So, you can play as different teams named after cities with NFL franchises, but there are no actual logos or players. In fact, the colors aren’t even the same, which means that the Steelers are fucking baby blue, and Indianapolis is PINK…it doesn’t make any goddamn sense. If you can’t use the team colors, at least don’t make them look like a bunch of pussies.

2. The graphics and animation are terrible, even for the era. The field is in a vertical* layout, lacking any indication of texture or context, with flat, poorly animated players that appear to be doing a jig. Their helmets resemble a storm-trooper’s, with a creepy black void across the front. The end-zone celebration is even more shameful, as the little characters hop around, arms flailing like those scary inflatable wacky armed creatures that are always in front of car dealerships:

3. You only have 9 plays to choose from on offense, 6 on defense, and then kick block/return. Hooray…you’ll be bored by the selection in less than 10 minutes. Inexplicably, you cannot deliberately run the ball. You can only choose from the same 9 pass plays, with your only opportunity to run being a QB scramble–this is futile, because you’ll be sacked the moment you even decide to try this maneuver.

4. One play will always score a touchdown, removing any possibility of a challenge:

Here is a good example from YouTube of John Elway’s version of the “foot-sweep” in Mortal Kombat (notice the annoying “CHARGE!” jingle):

5. John Elway’s Quarterback is vastly inferior to Tecmo Bowl and its successor, Tecmo Super Bowl. In Tecmo Super Bowl you play with real NFL teams and players contemporary to their release, and can customize plays and the depth chart; an entire season can be simulated. In John Elway, its just an arcade style, you against the computer or a second player–there is no comparison.

Which would you rather play?

Lastly, the most infuriating gameplay quirk of John Elway, that really could just be an overreaction on my part, is when you scroll through the list of ‘teams’ to play as, it doesn’t follow any real sequence. So, if you accidentally scroll past ‘Pittsburgh’–for example–when you try to scroll back up….IT FUCKING GOES TO SOME OTHER RANDOM TEAM. This turns what should be a simple, straightforward process, into a another good reason for this game to have never been sold.

*Thanks SK–you asshole.

While most NES games managed to avoid the plague of irritating futility that killed the Atari 2600, Cybernoid revives the mediocre formula that made so many of the 1st generation console games unsatisfying. I mean, the graphics are OK for the era, but Cybernoid has the three critical attributes of a video game that would make it annoying as fuck:

1. Repetitive, irritating music/sound effects.

2. A nearly impossible gameplay concept that requires superhuman reflexes…complimented by…

3. …repetitive, irritating levels.

What I find to be intriguing, is that according to Wikipedia, Cybernoid is a critical success. I find this to be intriguing, because I specifically recall renting the game after reading a review in Nintendo Power that declared it to be the most difficult game they have ever played. In fact, Cybernoid is so fucking difficult, that the game-player is given 9 lives. In this case, I am not so sure 9 is enough–in fact, you would need an anomalous mathematical quantity of lives…like googibalifintomolisillion lives. Inexplicably, the game has THREE difficulty settings: Easy, Hard and Lethal.  Jesus Christ, isn’t Easy lethal?! I can only assume that setting Cybernoid to ‘lethal’ is an experience similar to watching that video cassette in The Ring.

Anyway, the box itself claims that Cybernoid is an “international hit” which leads me to imagine Jean Girard twisting Ricky Bobby’s arm and demanding, “Say you like Cybernoid…”

So, as with any shitty video game, I will preface a description of the actual game-play with the lame-ass story (from Wikipedia) that is supposed to inspire you:

Pirates have raided the storage depots of the Federation and stolen valuable minerals, jewels, ammunition and the latest battle weaponry. The Cybernoid ship has been depatched[sic] with instructions to retrieve the stolen booty and to return it to storage within a specified time limit. The pirates have activated planetary defence systems and the Cybernoid will have to battle with these as well as the pirates themselves in order to retrieve the stolen booty.

WHAR’S ME BOOTY!?

As the..ahem…Cybernoid….you look kind of like a Toyota Prius with a giant squirt-gun attached to the bottom:

The weaponary and power-ups are about as lame as what you would expect from such a flaccid protagonist–little dots that emit from your gun. I think you can briefly clear the screen of all the enemies with a “bomb”, which is way less effective than you would think; more on that in a moment.

Basically, your goal is to survive each screen by navigating through a room until you can exit through the other side. Your ship kind of hovers around, and can…get this…shoot left OR right. Each room is littered with dangerous things you can’t touch without exploding, while volcanoes, other ships, little balls, and all kinds of shit that out numbers you is flying in your direction–thus, you have 9 lives…BECAUSE YOU WILL DIE CONSTANTLY.

Even if you retrieve the power-up that can clear the room of all enemies, it is kind of like the first sledge hammer at bottom of Level 1 in Donkey Kong: its more of a distraction will cause you to make a mistake and DIE AGAIN AND AGAIN, than a strategic advantage. Once the screen is cleared by the bomb, your amnesty lasts only a second, because all the same shit comes flying at you…again. Prepare to get really pissed when you finally pass the 3rd or 4th room, and then you fucking lose your last life.

Each room may look a little different, but its just your little pansy Cybernoid crashing into shit as your try to achieve the ultimate goal of exiting:

Go ahead, ruin five minutes of your life before getting bored and frustrated, by playing Cybernoid yourself.