ZombieChatter.com

Every morning I wake up nice an early and head over to my sons room to find him awake and ready to eat.  During these good early morning feeding/bonding times, I typically put on the TV and flip to some random movie playing on one of the many movie channels available.  Usually, even though my son is only 6 months old, these movies / cartoons are G – PG rated.  Today, I was given an upper cut….

I came across a movie called One Eyed Monster – so I stopped and thought I’d check it out.  I started watching the movie mid-stream, and it actually showed some “zombie horror” style hope.  You see three of four people were bunkered down in a house with the windows boarded up and terribly afraid of going outside.  One of their friends was out there getting killed and was then re-animated and speaking to them. Interesting right….. 

Then I learned what everybody was afraid of…..wait for it……Ron Jeremey’s 9 3/4 inch penis.  

Yes, your eyes do not decieve you.  Litterally, the movies plot is about an alien coming down from another planet and taking over Ron Jeremy’s Penis – then going on a rampage and killing everything in sight.   

The movie synopsis is below: (from the movie website)

In a darkly comic homage to “Alien” and “The Thing”, the cast and crew of an adult film, stranded in a blizzard, must band together against a mysterious and deadly alien, which has possessed the actor with the biggest part–Ron Jeremy (naturally).  Now, with the monster on a killing spree, the race is on to trap and destroy it before there are more victims of its peculiar skills.

The One Eyed Monster trailer captures the movie perfectly – although its a little long.  According to the films website, the trailer actually won an award the the “trashiest trailer.”  You will see why.

Big Trouble in Little China is likely one of my favorite campy action movies of all time. Directed by John Carpenter in 1986 and starring Kurt Russell, this movie quickly moved into cult following status.   

For those of you not familiar, the movie follows Jack Burton, played by Kurt Russell, a tough-talking, wisecracking truck driver who suddenly finds himself deep beneath San Francisco’s Chinatown, in a murky, creature-filled world ruled by Lo Pan, a 2000-year-old magician who mercilessly presides over an empire of spirits. Dodging demons and facing baffling terrors, Jack battles his way through Lo Pan’s dark domain in a full-throttle, action-riddled ride to rescue the girl.

Anyway, my ode to Big Trouble in Little China comes in the form of a “video game.”  You see, during the big fight scene at the end of the movie, the two wizards (good vs. evil) do battle.  Only they do it virtually in one of the first street fighter type virtual hologram fight scenes I ever saw as a kid.

I give you Egg Shen Vs. Lo Pan

According to Fangoria, the Cell by Stephen King is being made into a 4 hour TV mini-series.  The news comes strait from John Harrison, the writer/director/producer who has been commissioned to write the script. 

For those not familiar with the Cell, the plot revolves around a mysterious signal broadcast over the global cell-phone network that turns the majority of the human race into mindless, rampaging killers (or many would say zombies).

Evidently, Harrison is scripting the Cell mini-series for the Weinstein Company, which had originally planned to turn the book into a theatrical feature (with Eli Roth attached at one point to direct).  

This may possibly be good news as Harrison began his career working as 1st Ass’t Director for famed horror director, George A. Romero (Night Of The Living Dead/Creepshow). He wrote and directed multiple episodes of Romero’s classic TV series, Tales From The Darkside before helming Tales From The Darkside, The Movie.

Many would call the Cell a zombie movie, but evidently Harrison doesn’t think so… He  was quoted as saying the following:

“…doesn’t see this as a zombie story so much as a VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED-esque chiller, and enjoys the fact that the infected populace possesses a hive mentality.”

So far, he’s not attached to direct.  

I’m really happy to see that they are transforming this masterpiece into a film – and even more excited to see it turn into a mini-series.  Thats the good news.  I’m really cautious about the fact that Harrison doesn’t see this as a zombie flick at all, and I think the quality of the series will very much depend on which network picks it up.  If it goes on something other then Showtime or HBO, then it will be substancially dumbed down from a violence stand point…. and anybody who’s read it can tell you that there is plenty of blood n’ guts to be had.  

Time will tell.

With GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra quickly approaching, I wanted to take a moment to weigh in on the “power suits” that we get to see in the trailer(s).  You know what I’m talking about….the Starship Trooper-style suit that you see many of the characters crashing through buses & flipping past missiles in.  

The word on the ‘web’ is that the GI Joe power suits are actually called “Accelerator Suits.”  Aptly named, since they supposedly help the person who is wearing it run up to 80 miles per hour…

It is funny that they didn’t push any of this out in the original concept art that was release last year.  I wonder if the producers were waiting to “surprise” everybody with the next revelation…..or did they know that they really screwed up and tried to hide it as long as possible?  

Channing Tatum, playing Duke in the movie, was quoted as saying:

“It was a lot of CGI – the whole car chase is on foot. It’s in these big suits that run 80 miles per hour, so a lot of it is CGI. They look like the Iron Man suit, but different. They are a little more realistic, not so comic booky”

Not so Comic booky?  Why did the producers decide to introduce the Accelerator Suit to the world of GI Joe?  If you look back to the comic, TV show and even movies, you never see anything like this introduced.  I guess there were some specific characters who had some “out-there” type of uniforms.  There was even the underwater guy (I forget his name right now) who wore a suit that helped him….well swim underwater.  No Accelerator Suit though. 

I ask the question again….WHY?   Could this be designed based on the success of Iron Man?  Could this be because the producers and writers have NO CLUE what the world of GI Joe is all about?  Who knows.  

In the end, I’ll have to see the movie to decide how stupid (or maybe even cool – I’ll keep and open mind) these suits are.  Until then, the trailer makes them look pretty ridiculous.

I am hoping…I mean really hoping that the rest of the movie makes up for anything stupid like this.  If they can get the Storm Shadow / Snakes Eyes relationship right…. The accelerator suit may just get a pass.

For those of you who have not see the latest GI Joe: Rise of Cobra trailer – here it is:

This was probably one of the funniest movies i’ve seen in a long time. Although mostly under the radar, it has garnered attention from various movie festival thingies. Kenny is a mockumentary about an honest man trying to make an honest living. Part Plumber, part philosopher…Kenny delivers some of the best one-liners about good ‘ol number two. From the biggest festival to the smallest church social, Kenny Smyth delivers porta-loos to them all. Ignored and unappreciated, he is one of the cogs in society’s machinery; a knight in shining overalls taking care of business with his faithful ‘Splashdown’ crew.

Apparently, they are going to release it in select theaters here in the U.S. in July. But lucky for you, you can rent it now at your local Blockbuster.

Incredible short film. RT: 8:59, but well worth it. Apparently, there is going to be a sequel coming out very soon. The film has a creepy website that to me seems like sort of a countdown for said sequel. Also, it should be noted that whoever made this did it on a very low budget and has since signed a contract in Hollywood.

Trailer for the 2009 nazi zombie movie Dead Snow

I have a gripe….what else is new right?   This time, I simply want to say that I am sick and tired of this 80’s movie remake craze.  Every time I see another announcement of an “in production” movie, its another movie that I really enjoyed from my childhood getting served up as the latest bastard child of this decade. 

Lets take a look at just a couple of the movies that are awesome, and still relevant, that are in production today. 

• They Live (2011)
• Short Circut (2010)
• He-Man  (no date announced)
• Red Dawn (2010)
• Robocop (2010)
• Weird Science (no date announced)
• Karate Kid (2010)
• ETC, ETC, ETC

Can you believe some of the movies on this list?  This doesn’t include the abominations that have already been re-made….like Friday the 13th.  How about the sequels that have been coming out…like Indiana Jones and they Crystal Dildo.

I started thinking about this because it was just announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Total Recall is being remade.  Although Total Recall was released in 1990, it still has that 80’s action vibe, and was really “made” in the 80’s….so I say it counts. 

As for whether or not they should remake TR, I would say that the remake would be worse than if they remade Psycho in color, using the exact same script ….. wait they did that and it sucked.  So don’t expect much out of a Recall Reboot.

Remakes seem to be a sign of the times.  Looks like 2010 will be the year of 80’s movie remakes.  I know why they do this….to capitalize on the name recognition, cut back on marketing costs etc.  However, I don’t care how it’s easier to market a remake as a “sure thing” money maker, and I’m started to get a little jaded by all the crap that’s being made.  Eventually everyone will stop seeing these, and they’ll stop making them – that time just can’t come quick enough.

Trailer for the 2007 zombie movie resident evil extinction

Trailer for the 2004 zombie movie Resident Evil Apocalypse

Trailer for the 2002 zombie game adaptation movie Resident Evil

Possible zombie sighting by two campers