ZombieChatter.com
ZombieChatter.com

When the dead rise, it's time for coffee.

THE 6 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

 Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN’S NIPPLES FOR?
 A: It’s Braille for ’suck here’.

 Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
 A: It’s the same as a French kiss, but ‘down under.’

 Q:  WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
 A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

 Q:  WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
 A: Because  when they come, they’re wild and wet.  But when they  
go, they take your house and car with them.

 Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
 A:  Because they don’t have any balls to scratch…

 Q: WHAT IS A MAN’S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?
 A:  Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his  nose.

 The irony of life is that by the time you’re  old enough to know  
your way around, you’re not going  anywhere

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNXElmEUIJo

slingshot monkey


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F’n A, SOB, BS, WTF, TMFI

I once knew a SOB who was punched in the face for knowing TMFI by a SOB who said, “WTF, that’s BS”. 

Meet my dog, Bella:

My poo-eating dog...

She is an Italian Greyhound, and as you probably know, her name is Italian for “Beauty”. This is ironic, because beauty is not typically associated with consuming fecal matter. That’s right–for some ungodly reason, Bella has an insatiable appetite for poo.

I know what you’re thinking–this guy’s dog is not that unusual…dogs like to eat disgusting things, even if it is the occasional poop-log.

The above statement is true, and I have had to pull many an unidentifiable piece of rotting garbage from my other dogs’ mouths. However, Bella is not just an opportunistic eater of shit, she goes out of her way to bury her nose in a pile of crap, and munch away with gusto. It is horrifying. She not only partakes in the piles of dog shit I have yet to clean-up, she actively seeks the truly fresh poo. Bella is a feces gourmand, and loves nothing more than to eat it directly from the source–she actually follows my 60 lb lab around the back yard and waits for her to squat. Once my lab starts pooping, Bella just sticks her head under her ass, and partakes in a little soft-serve.

I just gagged a little…

This behavior makes..me..so..ANGRY. I buy Bella very expensive, premium dog food…yet…she would prefer it if I just filled her bowl with steaming crap.

Once Bella has buried her nose in a pile of poop, she won’t stop if I yell, curse or scream. I have to run down into my backyard, and swat her away. So, if I am barefoot or if its in the morning before I have put in my contacts, she pretty much can feast on shit at her convenience. The best part is that her fucking head smells like a sewer after she is done.

One time she actually came back into the house with shit smeared on her nose. However, that incident doesn’t even come close to single most vile event to ever curse my existence:

Several years ago Bella must of eaten shit so rotten that it was even too foul for her so she puked a vomit/diarrhea mix all over my goddamn bed <shudder>. If there is a hell, we will be swimming in an ocean that consists of this mixture. No amount of dry cleaning could ever completely wash the ghost of that puke from the bed-spread, or my soul for that matter.

-Melvin

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38541

Tom Brady sucks my balls

For those of you who are not New England Patriots fans, you have likely been sickened by the continuous coverage of the Patriots perfect season. Actually, allow me to step back for a moment, and consider that some readers of this blog may be actual Patriots fans. To you I say:

FUCK YOU!

Its not enough that the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry is an ongoing topic on ESPN Sportscenter and radio from March until October, but now da’ Sox have found a way to overcome history and win the World Series twice out of the past five years. While I typically suppress any thoughts about the NBA, I have to include the Boston Celtics in my Boston Professional Sports Team Cluster-Fuck blog-post, because they are resembling a championship contending team. The Celtics aquired Kevin Garnett and James Posey in the offseason, creating a trifecta with Paul Pierce that will push them into the playoffs for the first time in over a decade.

So, back to the Patriots….

The Pat’s are 11-0 with a very contentious 31-28 win over the Donovon McNabb-less Philly Eagles. Everything about this game gave the universe every opportunity to conduct itself in a judicious manner:

  1. The Patriots were 10-0, destroying teams, and being called the “greatest NFL team of all time” with pundits projecting a 19-0 finish–spoiling the 1972 Miami Dolphins perfect season.
  2. The Patriots were favored by 23.5 points over the Eagles, a new point spread record for the NFL.
  3. The Eagles all-pro QB, Donovan McNabb, was injured–replaced by journeyman, Jay Feely removing an semblance of hope for an upset.
  4. Every sports fan outside of the Boston metro area would love nothing more than to see Tom Brady’s pretty boy face smashed into the turf by Brian Dawkins, as the Patriot’s prospects of breaking the record for a perfect season are ruined by a giant underdog.
  5. A Patriots team who was marred by scandal over much of their season, as an NFL investigation revealed that the Patriots were videoing opposing teams signals. Bill Belichick, the dirty sweatsuit-wearing protege of the Bill Parcells regime–the anointed “Evil Genius” of the NFL–had been branded a Cheater. For all that is good and ‘holy’ they needed to lose.

For 56 minutes the Eagles gave New England everything it could handle, playing stellar defense and executing a game plan that took advantage of a soft zone defense. The Eagles defense did something unprecedented for this season: it pressured Tom Brady, sacking him 4 times, and harassing him all night. Randy Moss, enjoying a career Renaissance, was man handled at the line of scrimmaged and double-teamed all night.

For much of the game, I had hope…as the Eagles forced the Patriots into uncharacteristic miscues, such as false starts and dropped passes. For a moment, I had hope…suddenly, the universe didn’t seem so driven by the cold, cruel hand of nature and reason. This game would be the universes atonement for the success of a team that appeared driven by the same cold calculating hand that governs our existence.

The Eagles had kept itself in the game, down 31-28, with the ball and 6 minutes to tie or take the lead. They converted 3rd downs, and took advantage of soft coverage on 1st downs to rip off chunks of yardage and appear to give themselves an opportunity to steal this game.

Alas, Jay Feely, despite one of the best games of his career, made a horrible decision….overthrowing Kevin Curtis on a skinny post, laying the ball into Asante Samuels hands for an interception. There wasn’t even an opportunity for a tie and the continued hope provided by overtime.

Game over.

I knew it…we all knew it. Every time the Patriots were given a window, every football fan knew that they would likely walk right through it.

The Universe teased us, made us believe that the annoying success of the Patriots would suffer a brief hiccup, and it beat us into the ground.

FUCK THE PATRIOTS!

-Melvin

What was more upsetting for this guy?  Finding out that he is not the father, or finding out that he himself is not actually Black?  Striker Murdock thinks this was a crushing blow to his street-cred. 

Red Bull Rocket Flight FootageHypothesis:

At 2:36 on Saturday November 24th, a small band of rocketeers set out to prove that a model rocket built  from a Red Bull can could in fact be sent into the stratosphere. 

They blew it….

The Materials:  

  • An empty can of Red Bull
  • A broken rocket
  • An engine 4 times too big for the rocket
  • Clear plastic tape
  • Play – Doh

The Rocket:

  

As you can clearly ascertain, this was a very well designed aeronautic vehicle. 

The Launch:

The Red Bull Rocket was set up for launch.  We used an Estes Brand Launch Pad and Launcher.  This is standard equipment for such a launch.

Launch Process:

To launch a standard model rocket, there are only a few things that actually have to go right:

  1. The rocket must be designed to fly
  2. A combustible engine must be inserted into the engine
  3. The engine must be ignited
  4. The rocket must take flight
  5. A parachute must be deployed
  6. The rocket must float safely down to earth

Unfortunately during this ill-fates launch, only a handful of these things actually took place.

The Flight:

To view the actual flight, click the link below.  Remember to hit “back” on your web browser when finished to return to this page.

Red Bull Rocket Flight Footage  – Click The Link

The Aftermath:

  

The answer is yes.  We had way too much time on our hands this weekend.

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=071124204127.zsi6fszy&show_article=1

…the article goes on to talk about wind, i’ll spare you the details

 So, as i’m reading this all i can think in my head is whether or not McConaughey escaped the perils of nature “shirt on” or “shirt off”.  I can only imagine that it went down just like a Bruckheimer action flick.  Locals would have described the scene as looking something like this:

…he probably ran back into the fire so that he could save  some hot chick and orphan babies too.  One can only speculate.

Striker Murdock out

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