My five brilliant keys to a successful season!!!11!!1!LOLOLOL

August 23, 2009 Melvin 7 comments

We all know that unfounded optimism about the upcoming college football season is as deeply rooted in Gamecock tradition, as the Cockaboose, Tally Ho! and inexplicable losses to mid-major teams (see homecoming game against ECU circa 1994). Thus, I feel that I have as much a right to analyze the “keys” to a successful season, and in turn…underwrite optimism, as Stewart Mandel (SI) and all of the other pundits have to presume that the ‘Cocks will field a mediocre team (a cowardly prediction I might add, because predicting the Gamecocks will suck is no different than placing bets on both red AND black at the roulette table).

With that said, here are my five brilliant keys to a successful season:

1. Throw a few complete passes to the guys in garnet.

One of the worst kept secrets in the SEC is that if you stop the running game of USC, you have not only stopped the offense, but are going to also reap the benefits of the Gamecock Rotating Quarterback Cluster Fuck (GRQBCF) throwing beautiful spirals to your defensive backs. Honestly, who thought that we would look back on the Phil Petty seasons as the glory days of Gamecock quarterback play? What a completely unacceptable notion…

I know this key is a no-brainer (in fact, my worst kept secret is these are ALL no-brainers), but it is a bottom line issue that could continue to undermine the stronger aspects of the team–i.e. defense, Spurrier, my will to live. And, if the passing game can’t even manage to be average, it doesn’t matter how improved the offense line may be, or how talented the young running backs are, they won’t be able to run the ball with 8 million guys crowding the line of scrimmage.

Also, how many leads have the Gamecocks blown the past few years because they can’t chew up the clock?

If Chris Smelley and Stephen Garcia could have resisted the urge to throw ball into triple coverage just a few more times, perhaps last season would have ended differently. Considering how often the defense was forced back onto the field after making a great stop, they performed admirably, and did enough not to lose with marginally competent quarterback play.

If Garcia limits the mistakes, then maybe the Ol’ Ball Coach doesn’t feel the need to evoke the Stephen McCollum QB chimera, and the Gamecocks manage to steal a win or two–versus the other way around.

2. Survive the first last two games.

Historically, most college football teams that start the season strong, end up having a decent year, because they take care of a few teams that should be beaten, gain confidence, and have the opportunity to establish a chemistry among the starters. However, like most things Gamecock, this precedent does not hold true. Yes…yes..I know “Georgia is our bellwether game, and makes or breaks our season,” but it is time to move past this obsolete concept. The SEC has evolved since 1992, and the Gamecocks (and fans) need to move past this idea that Georgia is the Gatekeeper to their Keymaster for a successful season. While ideally they do start strong by taking care of the Wolf Pack, potentially upsetting Georgia (or at least being competitive) and avoid enabling that ass clown Howard Schnellenberger by virtue of an FAU upset, the key will be to someone how survive the “orange crush”.

By survive by no means am I suggesting that the ‘Cocks beat Florida and Clemson. I’m not even suggesting they split–what I mean is: don’t get outscored 87-20. While it would just be gravy to upset Florida and beat Clemson, we have to be realistic. USC is coming off a season that ended…well…horribly, and lost their best defensive backs and their best linebacker. Let’s temper our expectations, and hope for better play on both sides of the ball; even if the ‘Cocks are not quite at the same level of the SEC elite, and…ugh…Clemson.

I think the worst case scenario would be to barely qualify for bowl, after getting waxed at the end of the season–again.

3. Pray that Stephen Gilmore and Akeem Auguste are as good as advertised.

If there has been one consistent strength since Steve Spurrier lept into the deep abyss of Gamecock football, it has been the play of our defensive backs. From Ko Simpson and Jonathan Joseph to Captain Munnerlyn and Emmanual Cook, the ‘Cocks have remained one of the top 20 passing defenses in college football. I mean, imagine how ugly it could have gotten the past few years if opposing teams could not only run the ball on us, but also pick apart the secondary?

For the past three years, Munnerlyn and Cook provided NFL-level talent at the cornerback/safety positions, and almost completely shut down this year’s number one overall pick in the NFL draft, Matthew Stafford.

Now they are gone. I repeat: these guys are gone.

Stephen Gilmore and Akeem August–and now C.C. Whitlock after getting the opportunity to play more–show tremendous athletecism and promise as replacements. But, they are young and inexperienced, and will be facing Jevan Snead, Saint Timothy Tebow, Southern Cal-transfer Ryan Mallett (who the fuck wants to transfer from the beach to ass-backwards Arkansas, even if it means you get to start?) and the improved Russell Wilson–all complimented by the usual SEC speed at the skill positions.

If there is any single position beyond quarterback that could be the difference between finishing the season 8-4, or 5-7, it is cornerback/safety. These guys are young, so they are going to get torched or miss a tackle occassionally, but let’s hope that the learning curve is at a minimum.

4. Put your offensive playmakers on the field.

Heralded recruits Jarvis Giles and Alshon Jeffrey did what they needed to do–finished school and were granted early enrollment. These two players have it. They are the type of football players who have proven they know how to make plays, and have the athleticism to back it up. The Gamecocks are not defending a title, or bringing back group of offensive players who fueled a successful 2008 season. In fact, no one currently on the roster has proven they know how to win–there should be no veteran player loyalty, overcoaching or factors to stand in the way of getting Giles and Jeffrey on the field.

Brian Maddox? Come’on, he needs to get carries, but he is not a gamebreaker…he should be chewing up the clock in the 4th quarter.

[Insert receiver's name here] have proved absolutely nothing. When Smelley and Garcia weren’t getting sacked or telegraphing passes to the defense, they were watching serviceable throws being dropped by Dion Lecorn, Jason Barnes and Moe Brown–or worse falling futilely into the turf after a poorly run route. These players obviously have to be on the field, but until they indicate they can run the routes and make the critical plays necessary, then they should not stop Jeffries from being on the field.

5. Transcend the history of mediocrity, and learn how to fucking finish games.

The Gamecocks need to stop having moments like this. Period.