ZombieChatter.com

Yesterday, and in unison, Melvin (one of the authors of this blog) got a whole bunch of text messages all saying one simple word:  Banana

Why and how did this happen?  The story unfolds below….

A while back, Melvin thought it would be funny to sign my home address up to receive a care package from an STD clinic.  I received some mail that had giant posters of what STDs are and how to avoid them.  I thought this was funny, but decided that immediate response would be futile…..so I waited.

I waited so long that he forgot he even signed me up (I never told him I got the info).

Anybody who knows Melvin can attest to the fact that he is the kind of person who the strangest things happen to.  The examples are endless…but rest assure that he has the worst luck on the planet.  As a result, I’m always looking for ways to exploit and perpetuate this problem of his.

To enact my revenge, I decided to make a simple request (via text) to everybody that was in my phone book on my cell phone.  The request that was sent out is below:

“I want to mess with Melvin.  You can help!  As soon as you get this message, text to him at (melvins phone #).   Put only one word:  Banana”

I hit send and within seconds I was getting response from friends that they had executed request….now for the waiting game…. How long would it be before Melvin responded?  What would he say…if anything?

Below is the text transcript between Melvin and I via IM. Enjoy:

Melvin: what the %$#@ is up with these texts????????????

Admin:  what are you talking about?

Melvin: you know what the %$#@ I am talking about

Melvin: who are all of these people????

Admin:  are you getting text messages?

Melvin: i hate you, seriously…I can’t believe that I was the target of a conspiracy…a conspiracy to text the word banana to me in unison.

Admin:  sorry….I was laughing….

Admin:  Seriously? You can’t believe it?

Melvin: to this scale, no…i cant

Melvin: I had my phone on mute…thankfully.

Anyway, at the end of the day, and out of nowhere we all came together as a team to screw with Melvins life – which always brightens my day.

Ohhh, many of the people involved have asked….why the word banana?  The answer: During our freshman year of college, Melvin decided to re-enact a battle with a Chimpanzee (that wasn’t there)…..we’ve always associated Monkeys with him ever since.

(MYFOX NATIONAL) – If a visit to the Burt Reynolds Museum is on your life list, then you may want to get to Florida soon.

The museum, located in Jupiter, may be closed or moved this year to make way for a new commercial development. The former First Union Bank building, which houses the museum, is owned by the town and is set to be demolished to make way for Harbourside, a new 10-acre, $110 million complex that will feature a restaurant, hotel and marina.

The Palm Beach Post reported that talks have taken place with the town, the developer and the museum, but a person associated with the museum fears that future looks dim.

“Without an agreement, we fear that rental rates, assessments and other fees … would make it impossible for the museum to stay in this area,” Suzanne Niedland, chair of the Burt Reynolds Institute for Film and Theater, wrote in a letter about the fate of the museum.

The mayor of the town said that other non-profits organizations need to be considered for a place in the new development. “There is no guarantee Burt Reynolds is going into Harbourside,” said Mayor Karen Golonka to The Post.

The museum, described as one of the largest celebrity museums in the country, houses memorabilia from Reynolds’ acting career, including movie posters, paintings, movie props, as well as other sport and movie collectibles. Buzzfeed posted photos from inside the museum.

Well, it’s definitely a sad day to be an American. How can we sit here and let this happen to arguably one of the greatest actors/icons ever to grace the silver screen? And at what cost?…for the sake of a shopping center. Who knew that a dry cleaner, nail salon, and a Rite Aid were more in need than recognizing the greatness that is Burt Reynolds. We must act soon because we have a long way to go and a short time to get there, but we can do what they said can’t be done. RUN BANDIT! RUN!

Parklifer turned me on to this website this moring, E-mails from crazy people.  After perusing a few of the entries I came across this one, seeing as we’re all football fans here and at some point have played Madden…I find this email particullary halirious!

Please, enjoy!

PS: This is a real NFL Offensive Lineman

To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fucking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom.

It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fuck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod Hate Me Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. Fuck, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.

John, you are such a fucking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a fucking zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my fucking face. Fuck that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a – 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a fucking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass fuckwad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

Fuck you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fuck with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright

Do you want markers, marshmallows and hot dog buns in your future?

Old man look at my life,
Twenty four nine
and there’s so much more

In case you can’t understand him here is the Bob Talk Translation:
“Is it past anybody’s bed time? Ha-ha, its past mine. I should have been in bed hours ago. Ha-ha-ha. OK it’s Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers right here. Benmont Tench playing the keyboards. Come on right up against that, … right up against that, fence whatever it is. Yeah, you can come on right up on stage now if you want to. Lead guitar player, Michael Campbell. One of the best guitar players around. Stan Lynch, one of the finest drummers in all the USA. I know, born in the USA. Well were we all born in the USA, anybody here who wasn’t born in the USA? I’d like to meet them. OK, we’re gonna sing Happy Birthday right now. We’re gonna sing Happy Birthday to the bass guitar player in this band. His name is Howie Epstein. Now you sing all those words what you want, but you sing it. What key we gonna sing it in? He’s gonna chose the key himself, it’s his birthday.

OK, we’re gonna go on with some serious business. Also you know I have my own Heartbreakers now. I can’t …, I wanna introduce them to you now. That’s Louise Bethune and Madelyn Quebec. Carolyn Dennis and Queen Esther Marrow. All right, now anybody else out there wanna be introduced? What’s your name? I’ll introduce you! Ha-ha-ha-ha.”

Happy Birthday & May You Stay Forever Young

One of the major revelations earlier last month, when the official list of the Toronto International Film Fest was released, was the title of George Romero’s new zombie movie.  Original poster art last in January had led us all to believe that the title had yet to be created – it only said …of the Dead.

The new official title, according to TIFF.net (official Toronto International Film Fest site), is George A. Romero’s SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD.  Many had speculated that it was going to be called Island of the Dead.

Looking back at ZombieChatter.com’s “first Look” of the poster art and published synopsis, things seem to have changed a bit.

Below is the original synopsis from January:

“On a small island off North America’s coast, the dead rise to menace the living. Yet…the islanders can’t bring themselves to exterminate their loved ones, despite the growing danger from those the once held dear. A rebel among them hunts down all the zombies he can find, only to be banished from the island for assassinating his neighbors and friends. On the mainland, bent on revenge, he encounters a small band of survivors in search of an oasis on which to build a new life. Barely surviving an attack from a mass of ravenous flesh-eaters. They commandeer a zombie-infested ferry and sail to the island. There, to their horror, they discover that the locals have chained the dead inside their homes, pretending to live ‘normal’ lives…with bloody consequences. What ensues is a desperate struggle for survival and the answer to a question never posed in Romero’s Dead films: Can the living ever live in peace with the dead?”

Now take a look at the revised synopsis:

“In a world where the dead rise to menace the living, rogue soldier Crocket (Alan Van Sprang) leads a band of military dropouts to refuge from the endless chaos. As they search for a place “where the shit won’t get you,” they meet banished patriarch Patrick O’Flynn (played with zeal by Kenneth Welsh), who promises a new Eden on the fishing and ranching outpost Plum Island. The men arrive, only to find themselves caught in an age-old battle between O’Flynn’s family and rival clan the Muldoons. It turns out that Patrick was expelled from the isle for believing that the only good zombie is a dead zombie, while the Muldoons think it’s wrong to dispatch afflicted loved ones, attempting to look after their undead kinfolk until a cure is found. But their bid for stability on the homestead has turned perverse: the undead are chained inside their homes, pretending to live normal lives – and the consequences are bloody. A desperate struggle for survival will determine whether the living and the dead can coexist.”

They are similar.  However, the new one tells us more details around the drop-out soldiers and the family feud that is going on…..

One thing is for sure, Romero’s social commentary is sure to exist in this latest film.  According to Tiff.net:

The film is also a sharp subversion of the western. It can be seen as a reflection of William Wyler’s The Big Country, in which stubborn clans feuded as larger troubles raged.

I continue to be pretty excited about this one.

…and pick up this beauty from KFC

This is why you’re fat… and why zombies will have no problem catching you