Movie Talkers Should Burn in Hell
I run into the theater…excited with anticipation. A movie that I’ve been looking forward to for years finally hits the silver screen. I cautiously sit down….looking around at the people sitting around me…profiling them. What am I looking for and why would I do this?
You see, I’ve been burned before. Burned by the type of ass-clown that starts talking, kicking my seat or crumbling their tub-o-popcorn. But this can’t happen tonight right ? This movie is too important…… It can and it did.
Of course, tonight that couple sits behind me. They literally put their feet up on the seat next to me and proceed to “chat” during the entire fucking movie.
I’ve tried to be polite in the past. I’ve tried to turn around….say shhhoosh nicely. It never works. This type of person looks at you like your the crazy one. Then they talk about how nutz you are….just fueling their conversation fire.
I hate these dip-shit fuck-wads out there that like to treat the movie theater like it’s their own personal living room.
You know the type. The same inconsiderate fucker that cuts in front of long lines, bangs his neighbors wife or scams old people out of their life savings. You know this person. He….or she is the person that simply doesn’t care about anybody else except for themselves.
I once saw a crazy “insert ethic slur” guy go ape shit on a couple of college students at a movie when they asked him to put a sock in it. He stood up started screaming. The bastard was still going ape shit in the parking lot after the movie. Way to propagate the stereo type….
When there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m feeding these fuckers to the hordes.
Anyway, I would like to suggest a remedy to this problem. I think movie theaters should install a shock device in all their seats that is operated by the person in the seat in front of them. When that person talks…..ZAAAAPPPP. When that person kicks the seat….ZAAAPPPP.
Or, how about a less violent version…a flashing light on the back of my seat that say “shut the fuck up” …. thus out-annoying the person sitting behind you. Surely they would get the hint right?
Of course, I’m open to suggestions. What do you think we should do? Have any ideas? I’m ready for a revolution.
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November 20th, 2008 at 7:53 am
I love the skulls on the electric chair it is a very nice touch.
The obvious answer is security. They would be like Mall Nazi’s but they would be Movie Nazi’s instead. They would keep the peace and kick people out. I would want these people to look like the bouncers that stand in front of the stage at Metal shows though. Big like that guy that won the UFC fight the other night with swords tattooed on their chest. This way it is not a long drawn out procedure when they are being escorted out.
Of course I’m sure the price of a movie ticket would double to not just one of your arms but to an arm and a leg if they did that
Maybe they could install APD’s in the seats. You know nothing shuts someone up like haveing an APD suddenly attack them. An APD of course is an Anal Pierceing Dildo.
Have those fuckers installed in every seat so they pierce through any clothing and home in right on someone’s sphincter. Talk about getting fucked!
I guess their are some in society who might like that though so it might not work either.
The situation is hopeless i tell you.
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November 20th, 2008 at 8:27 am
Good rant, but unfortunately I agree with SoItGoes, there not much you can do…the only thing I’ve done that eliminates the “assclown” factor is going to the midnight movie.
I know it takes some effort on your part and it should be the “ass clowns” that are forced to go see a movie at midnight but here’s the advantage to seeing a movie at midnight..
1. You’re there with all the uber-geeks, you could kick their ass with your manly gaze.
2. You’re there with all the uber-geeks, they want to see the movie as bad as you do and once the previews start they shut the fuck up until it over (or until Yoda pulls out his light-saber (in this case it’s OK ot go ape-shit)..
3. Revenge of the nerd factor…there are more of you than there will be of them, so if they make a scene they’ll be shunned….SHUN THE NON-BELIEVER!!!
75% of the time there is a blockbuster that I want to see ol’ Mindbomb goes at midnight and it’s always smooth sailing…If it’s a highly anticipated indy movie, don’t worry, usually you need an IQ to understand them, the “ass-clowns” will get frustrated, grunt, and leave….
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November 20th, 2008 at 9:11 am
I love it… APD, Revenge of the Nerds. Both great solutions to a serious problem.
I personally take comfort thinking about the “after-life” waiting for these special serviles. I envision a theatre in hell that has been construced just for them. Some ot the attributes:
1. Clockwork Orange “Eye-lid” devices
2. Demon “seat-kicker” sitting behind them
3. Demon “masturbater” sitting next to them with basketball size balls.
4. Demon talker sitting to the right… talking about their awful opinion of the movie.
5. APD, empolyed every 2 minutes. This APD is a pineaple.
6. The smell of vomet
7. Never-ending movie
We shall all have our revenge!
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