The worst NES games of all time — Part 2 — “John Elway’s Quarterback”

December 14, 2007 Melvin 6 comments

Wow…I am already pissed off, and I have barely begun to write about this heaping pile of horseshit that attempts to pass itself off as a legitimate contender in sports video game history. I mean, just look at the box-art: John Elway’s big, fat fucking face, with his Austin Powers teeth…posed so ridiculously with the NES controller as if beckoning, “See, I play the Nintendo.”

And…I like John Elway.

Where do I start with the numerous issues that turn the John Elway’s Quarterback gaming experience into a boring, poorly designed excuse for a competitor to Tecmo Bowl?

Well I will take the easy route and just give you a list:

1. It doesn’t have an NFL license. So, you can play as different teams named after cities with NFL franchises, but there are no actual logos or players. In fact, the colors aren’t even the same, which means that the Steelers are fucking baby blue, and Indianapolis is PINK…it doesn’t make any goddamn sense. If you can’t use the team colors, at least don’t make them look like a bunch of pussies.

2. The graphics and animation are terrible, even for the era. The field is in a vertical* layout, lacking any indication of texture or context, with flat, poorly animated players that appear to be doing a jig. Their helmets resemble a storm-trooper’s, with a creepy black void across the front. The end-zone celebration is even more shameful, as the little characters hop around, arms flailing like those scary inflatable wacky armed creatures that are always in front of car dealerships:

3. You only have 9 plays to choose from on offense, 6 on defense, and then kick block/return. Hooray…you’ll be bored by the selection in less than 10 minutes. Inexplicably, you cannot deliberately run the ball. You can only choose from the same 9 pass plays, with your only opportunity to run being a QB scramble–this is futile, because you’ll be sacked the moment you even decide to try this maneuver.

4. One play will always score a touchdown, removing any possibility of a challenge:

Here is a good example from YouTube of John Elway’s version of the “foot-sweep” in Mortal Kombat (notice the annoying “CHARGE!” jingle):

5. John Elway’s Quarterback is vastly inferior to Tecmo Bowl and its successor, Tecmo Super Bowl. In Tecmo Super Bowl you play with real NFL teams and players contemporary to their release, and can customize plays and the depth chart; an entire season can be simulated. In John Elway, its just an arcade style, you against the computer or a second player–there is no comparison.

Which would you rather play?

Lastly, the most infuriating gameplay quirk of John Elway, that really could just be an overreaction on my part, is when you scroll through the list of ‘teams’ to play as, it doesn’t follow any real sequence. So, if you accidentally scroll past ‘Pittsburgh’–for example–when you try to scroll back up….IT FUCKING GOES TO SOME OTHER RANDOM TEAM. This turns what should be a simple, straightforward process, into a another good reason for this game to have never been sold.

*Thanks SK–you asshole.