By Stonehombre

                Last Thursday night, instead of spending quality time snorkeling in the bath tub, I decided to give this little VH1 “celebreality” thing a chance.  They were showing one of those wacky game shows where a bunch of nasty-ass ho’s duke it out in a battle royal for the affection of a washed-up pseudo-pimp rapper.  You know, the one with the viking helmet.  I was just beginning to settle into the episode, when my brief moment of “double-wide” bliss was t-boned by a sickening incident.  As the episode was nearing its conclusion, all of the sad “sistas” stood waiting, like cattle before the slaughter, for their beau to arrive. Suddenly, something caught my eye.  Towards the back of the pack I noticed that one overweight hoochie mama was beginning to gently sway from side to side.  “My God!” I thought, “she’s gonna pass out!”  Just when I was convinced she was a goner, she slowly began to steady herself.  “Whew, everything’s ok,” I assured myself… think again chump!  After being lulled into a false sense of security, I saw one of her fellow skanks’ face begin to sour.  Heads turned and murmurs grew louder.  Suddenly one of the contestants astutely proclaimed, “That bitch just took a shit!”  That’s right; the poor chubby contestant had just laid down a steaming pile of dung, like an elephant with stage fright, in front of millions of viewers on national television.  I fell into a fit of laughter so intense that I pissed, burped and farted, all at the same time.  “Celebreality” had just won over another life-long fan. 

Now It was time to throw this party into overdrive, so I did what any young blooded American would do.   Yep, you guessed it, I tuned into C-SPAN.  Fat people have Twinkies, Senator Craig has bathroom stalls and I have C-SPAN, ‘nuf said.  I arrived at channel 30 just in time to find that I had traded one elephant and a pile of dung in for nine!  Of course, I’m speaking of the 2008 Republican Presidential candidates.  They were replaying CNN’s youtube debate from the day before, so I strapped on my bicycle helmet and prepared for the worst.  Guliani was rambling like a crazed billy-goat with a speech impediment.  Mitt Romney was nervously wiping away the jet black shoe polish that was slowly oozing from his suspiciously well defined hairline and Fred Thompson was squeezin’ in a cat-nap.  Yep, just another day in American politics. 

Watching these yahoos yuk it up began to trigger images of zombies in my mind, but not just any zombies, zombies with the gift of gab….. talking zombies.  Why the hell was I thinking of talking zombies?  Oh shit!! That’s it, ZombieChatter.com!  It had been several days since my friend “admin” had given my punk-ass author status.  I figured it was high time for me to write something.  So, with presidential politics on the brain, my thoughts turned to a book that I’m currently reading.  It’s about Abe Lincoln, and when I came across a little juicy tidbit, I knew I had to share it with you zombie bastards.   In the book, dealing with Lincoln’s struggles with depression, the author thought it relevant to publish the President’s charge account at Dillard’s Drugstore.  It listed every medication he had ever purchased.  I think some of you will find it interesting, if not shocking. The entire list is far too long for the purpose of this piece, so I decided just to whip out the all-stars on the roster.  I am not making this stuff up.  They are as follows: Chloroform, nitrous oxide, caffeine, cannabis, cocaine, morphine and opium.  

So this left me with two thoughts.  1) Abraham Lincoln governed this country ripped to the tits.  OR 2) George Carlin hopped back in one of those phone booths from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, picked up that douche-bag  from the movie, dressed like our 16^th President, and made a b-line back to Dillard’s for a fix.

 Mucha Suerte